A Tough Decision
"You always watch the channel 4 news, why don't you try another channel
for once." Its 6pm and she's already trying
to manipulate me for no particular reason. Partly maybe to hear her
voice over the television, or just to control me in some way. I nod and
change channels. It really is the same news for the most part. I suppose
I'm just partial to the number four, and maybe I am a person that likes
to have routines. Tonight a helicopter crashed in a field because the
pilot, who survived had apparently been drinking and had lost control of
the chopper. The anchorman says the pilot is facing 30 days in jail,
and i laugh out loud and i don't know why i'm laughing. I suppose because
the idea of having that incident on a permanent record amuses me, and I
am quite sure there are very few people in that position.
Do you want to go somewhere, maybe see a film? I look at her and she
instantly knows how I feel about going out. "Why not, It'll be good for
you, you isolate too much." What she doesn't know is that I am a liar
and spend most of my day outside washing windows, but since I have her
thinking I am independently wealthy, who cares if she thinks I stay
indoors too much? I lie to her out of neccessity because she is too
attractive to be with a window washer, and if she knew I was lying she would
understand why. It really doesn't bother me much. It's just another fact
to accept. I'm also cheating on her, but that doesn't matter because we
aren't that serious, and she'll never know because I don't feel guilty
about it.
She finally takes off her shoes and stretches out on the couch. We are
about to have sex, and this usually takes up most of the night, so
before hand I run into the bathroom and wash my face and hands. I pride
myself on being clean, or atleast having a clean body. As for my
apartment. There are atleast several flies in each room, and I've grown
accustomed to their humming, which took several months, but now I don't even
hear them anymore, unless I listen for them. It's like getting used to
the sounds of a city. One day, you just stop noticing.
I come back into the living room and she is stark naked and spread out
on the couch, and although we do this almost every night, I am more
turned on than usual. The tv is still on so I turn it off and climb on top
of her, pulling her hair a little, which is something I never do. She
moans a little and digs her heels into my back. I can hear the lady
across the hall coming in, probably from the grocery store. Sometimes we
are even louder when we know people are home in the building.
She's whispering in my ear "Go ahead, go ahead, I've always wanted a
child, please", and I know if I don't stop soon it could really happen,
but her legs are wrapped around me and I think if I try to pull out now,
It will be too late, and so I start to look out the window as best I
can. The sun is coming up. I wonder, what if this is meant to happen?
What if I should have a child with her? We get along pretty well. Maybe it
will make me a better person. But then I realize, still inside her,
that all that will happen is that my life be more complex and difficult.
It will be like having a pet. A very expensive pet. As the sun comes up
a little, I quickly pull out, light a cigarette, and throw on my
clothes. I kiss her forhead. Putting on my shoes, I head downstairs for a
walk. The sky is bright. The birds are singing away. Next time, I'm not
even taking a chance. She's going to suck my dick, and that's it.
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