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10 Things to do Before You Graduate From Penn State

1) Get drunk and fall off a balcony

This is one of the more common stunts pulled at PSU.  Remember the rule of thumb: if concrete, 15 feet; if soft grass, 30 will pass. You can also get creative with the fall as well. Try to land in a dumpster. Hopefully, if you’re unconscious the dump truck will carry your compacted body parts to a landfill in Jersey. If you want to make it look like an escape, tie your bed sheets to the railing and try to swing off. This requires you to be on at least the sixth floor—experienced professionals only. 

2) Join an anti-homosexual rally

Stop by the Willard building midday and you’re bound to find Gary the Preacher. Taxpayer money goes towards helping this Christian Fundamentalist express his hatred for homosexuality. If you’re lucky, you’ll get roped into a gay-bashing lecture, or even better-- an anti-gay demonstration. Sometimes if Gary’s off duty the Student Republican Committee will voice their opinions downtown at the busiest intersection in Centre County, East College & Allen.

3) Rob Cici’s at gunpoint

Head up North Atherton towards Wal-Mart. it’s open 24 hours so you can go there at 11pm and purchase a firearm. You don’t need proof of identification or a background check---they’re great guys. Head over to CiCi’s to where the 12 o’clock delivery takes place each night. Pull out your gun on the fat dude in the orange shirt and demand he gives you all his money (est. $2000-$3000 NPV). Next, have your buddies drive you to a church parking lot and put the car in park. Sit suspiciously for an hour and a half with the engine running until the police arrive to bust your ass.

4) Get stabbed at The Big Easy

If you’re walking home Friday night and the chips are down, head over to Tony’s Big Easy where you can instigate a fight with most unstable assholes in State College. If you’re shy or just too much of a pussy to start shit with anyone, try breaking up a fight someone else started. Keep poking your shit into other people’s business and look to make sure they’re carrying a concealed weapon. Grabbing other men’s hips is a good way to get your gut ruined on any given weekend.

5) OD on pharmaceuticals

K-pins, Xanax, Valium, Lithium, Oxycontin, Cerquil, Seboxin, Adderall, Ritalin—pick your poison. Penn State has more Pharmaceutical drugs than any other University in the northeast, mostly because the students here are pussies and when they were busy feeling sorry for themselves in high school, Mommy took them to the doctor to get medicated so they don’t have to feel emotion anymore. Take four to get by; five in a row to die.

6) Start a fire in your sublet or apartment

This one is fun but you usually only get one chance to do it right, so be creative. One method is to take a Burger King wrapper and put it in the toaster oven. Make sure the toaster oven is on the carpet, next to the curtains. You could also knock over a candle while passing a bowl, but that’s not original. Either way, when you’re done, make sure to plead ignorance and mention to the police something about an electrical issue. Get a tattoo to remind yourself of how funny it was to almost kill your neighbors and make sure everyone in town donates money so you can go buy those new pair of those kick-ass Jordon’s you’ve always wanted.

7) Get raped at your favorite frat

A Penn State Classic! Remember, the more frat-hopping you do each night, the more likely you are at becoming a whore or even better—catching a disease. You could even get pregnant which is what we Penn Staters call a Triple Crown Weekend. The frats that give out beer to only the girls are the best for getting taken up the ass—male or female (don’t worry boys.)  This should be marked on your agenda freshman year, because frat boys are insecure and have a better time picking up younger, stupider chicks.

8) Rig an election to fit with your opinion

It doesn’t necessarily have to be for Student President or City Council; you can start small—like homecoming queen or an intramural sport.  The best way for your candidate to win to make sure all the others lose.  If the other candidate gets elected, find a loophole in their financial plan and submit it for re-evaluation (make sure its something stupid like printing costs; 5 cents vs. 8 cents a copy). If that doesn’t work, try slander. Take something he or she says out of proportion and paraphrase it in the Collegian. It has to be something serious too, like terrorism, or else he won’t be prosecuted.

9) Get gassed by police on football weekend

This is one of the easiest duties to fulfill as a Penn State undergrad. Whether you watch football or not, go outside for halftime during the Michigan game. Walk by one of the horseback cops and trip over your shoelace. He’ll mistake you for a drunken onlooker and draw his gun. When he tells you to freeze, ask him why and he’ll tear gas you for disobeying authority. If you’re lucky, an innocent bystander will get gassed as well and you’ll be doing him the favor of helping complete one of the 10 Penn State Traditions.

10) Harbor a fugitive from Jersey

The best time to harbor a fugitive is when you’re on double secret probation and have an 8-ball of cocaine hidden in the bottom drawer of your bureau. Make sure he stays up all night watching The History Channel and sleeps on your couch all day.  When he needs to be somewhere, stop what you’re doing and drive him there. If it’s inconvenient for you, he may offer you a Xanax. When the detectives show up at your spot, hide all of his paraphernalia and tell them you don’t know how he got there.